The Second Side of Eldest
by ageofaquariusstudios
Summary: In this sequel to The True Face of Eragon, Eragon and friends decide to take a break from the plot and see the Eragon movie in Teirm. However, they make a powerful new enemy that they will struggle to fight. R&R, chapter two is up!
1. The Lair of Microsoft Sam

The Second Side of Eldest

Chapter One: The Lair of Microsoft Sam

Notes: Whew! A fresh start! To those of you who are my fans from reading The True Face of Eragon, enjoy. To those of you who aren't, well, I suggest you read The True Face of Eragon first. So, anyway, read on! (---- Did I use this sentence last time?)

* * *

_"The plane will now take off. Remember to fasten your seatbelts and turn off all electronics except for pipe bombs. We like complications. Have a nice flight!"_

Eragon sighed. He looked out the window, searching for Saphira in the sky. "Shut the window, will you? I'm trying to sleep," Arya said.

"Sorry." Eragon pulled the shades down.

"You know what?" Arya moved closer to him.

"Uh…no?"

"Good. Now shut up." Arya sat back in her seat.

Eragon stared, irritated, and not to mention insulted, but eventually he just made himself comfortable for the long flight.

He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he heard was, _"Sorry for the inconvenience, but hang on for a bit of turbulence right now. We'll make it through, try not to panic. Thank you." _

Eragon woke Arya. "Arya!" he said. "The speaker said there's bad weather coming."

Arya rubbed her eyes. "Uh…let me guess, after the whole thing there's a cheesy joke where those plane breathing masks drop from the ceiling and we don't need them."

"Yeah, that might happen." Suddenly the masks came down.

"I am mistaken. Now I'll go back to sleep." The plane started to shake violently, with screams left and right. One stewardess yelled, "SHUT UP!!" Everyone stopped being terrified and looked.

"Good," said the stewardess as she walked into the staff section. The screams resumed as she left.

Eragon lifted the shade of his window and tried to make out what was happening. The plane was spinning, with dark clouds gathered around it. On top of that it was raining, but it didn't really matter because he got a free umbrella from having a fake passport with his birthday in the 1600s.

The clouds parted for a single second and he saw two things the first of which a dark, blue ribbon darting across the sky. "Saphira!" he said.

_"Hello, Eragon," _she replied.

The second thing he noticed was the wing of the plane. It was kind of rugged. _"The wing looks pretty fragile," _he observed. A ripping sound shattered his thoughts, and he watched in horror as the metal broke off in a split second. The clouds then covered up the view once more, and all he could do was wonder what was happening.

Then, a miracle. Saphira lifted up the plane and kept it from crashing into the island below. _"Thanks," _Eragon said. However, Saphira ignored him and the weight of the plane made her give up.

The aircraft made a splash in the water. "Arya!" Eragon called. "Arya!"

"I'm right behind you, retard." Eragon turned to see Arya standing on a rock with Saphira behind her.

"Okay, never mind." Eragon looked at the nearby island. "Where are we?"

Arya shrugged. "I don't know, but we need to rest."

"Good thing we have my awesome vintage umbrella," Eragon said.

_"I knew we should have just flown here by ourselves." _Saphira snorted.

"But then we wouldn't have this happy bonding time!" Eragon hugged them. Arya broke free of his grip and slapped him in the face. Eragon put a hand to his cheek and said, "You're right, that was stupid."

Arya beamed. "Yes I am. Anyway, let's go to the island. There might be some people there." The Randomes swam over to the island. Eragon let out a sigh of relief.

_"Well, what do you know? There's a building here," _Saphira commented. _"Eragon, ring the doorbell." _Eragon did so, and the skies grew dark.

"I don't think that's a good thing," Arya muttered. She gasped as the door opened. No one was there. An eerie silence hung in the air.

**"Ooh, I love a spooky theme! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I'm gonna steal your soul!!!!"**

"You alone scare me," Eragon retorted to the author.

**"Uh, yeah. Whatever, I get that a lot. Now go fulfill your destiny—IN THE LAIR!! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!1!1!!one111!!!!!11eleven!!!!SHIFT+one1!!!!!!!!!!"**

"Uh, no comment," Arya said as she stepped into the building.

"Arya! Wait!" Eragon ran over to her.

"What is it now, you Legend of Zelda wannabe?"

"Ooh, Legend of Zelda wannabe, that's cold." Eragon shivered to show his point.

"Just get on with it! I'm losing my temper!"

"Uh, oh yeah. In order to train your reflexes, I will hit you when you least expect it, like in the Pink Panther."

"I'm not your sidekick, kid. I'm ninety years older than you."

"Well, for purposes of the plot—wait, what? OH MY GOD!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE TWENTY!!!! Darn it, there go my perverted fantasies."

Arya questioningly raised an eyebrow.

"Let's get on with the plot," Eragon managed to get out. He walked forward a bit, and gestured for Arya and Saphira to follow. "Come on!"

"Fine." Arya walked up to him. He tried to hit her, but she caught his wrist and threw him into a wall. The wall cracked.

"Woah. That's cool." Eragon fainted. The crack in the wall grew, and the wall fell down, revealing a secret passageway.

_"It appears that when you kill Eragon, something good seems to happen," _Saphira observed.

"That's the point."

_"Ah." _

Arya smiled, then picked up Eragon. She went into the opening in the wall. Saphira followed.

_"It's kind of dark here," _Saphira seemed uneasy.

Arya squinted to see better. "Look, there's a computer." She ran over and turned on the monitor.

A dark, monotone voice said, "You dare enter my lair?"

_"Arya!" _Saphira warned. _"Don't go near that thing!"_

Arya ignored her. She turned to the computer. "Who is this?"

"I am the evil lord, the king of technology," the voice replied. "I am…Microsoft Sam."

Arya stared, and burst out laughing.

Microsoft Sam lowered his voice. "Do not judge me, flesh being. I have powers. I have mind. I have stealth. And for entering my lair, I will kill you." A beeping sound started up, and death contraptions fell from the ceiling. "Ha ha ha SWUH SWUH SWUH SWUH!!!"

"I'll take this clown on," Arya said. Eragon leapt to his feet. "How did you do that?" Arya asked him.

"I recover shortly after death."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"That's the point."

"Whatever. DUCK!" Arya jumped out of the way of a—a—what do you call those things? You know, those—never mind. Eragon groaned as it hit him and knocked him across the room.

He landed on the ground with a thud. Trying to get up, Eragon cut his hand on something. "Ow!" he cried. "Hey, look, a ninja sword. It even shoots flames and ice. Awesome." He picked up the sword and got up.

Meanwhile, Arya dodged the jagged metal that was being fired at her. "Come on, you hunk of silicon, is that the best you can do?"

"No," Sam replied. "I can do better. Behold my ROFLCOPTER!!" A giant helicopter with the word ROFL on its top blades rose. The wind it created blew apart the building, with only Arya, Saphira, Eragon, and Sam remaining. "Let's see if you can live the next few minutes! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Sam laughed.

A feminine voice, also monotone, said, "Sam, was that really necessary?"

Sam stopped laughing. "Darn it Anna, you ruin everything."

Eragon smiled. "Just like some people I know." Arya slapped him. "I was talking about Stephanie Meyer! God!" Eragon shielded his face.

"Oh, by the way, where did you get that sword?" Arya asked.

"I found it."

_"Eragon, aren't most swords you find that way so powerful that you could sink entire islands?"_

"Good idea. Arya, get on Saphira."

"Why?"

"Just do it!" Arya did so, and Eragon held up the sword and said, "SWORD, I CALL THEE! MAY YOUR POWER BE USED TO FLOOD THIS HELL!"

The air around Eragon began to move in a spiral. It went faster. And faster. It howled hard and the waves began to beat on the shore with great force. Then it all stopped.

"Darn it." Eragon looked at his sword. "Stupid hunk of metal. Anyways, let's just get out of here." He climbed on Saphira.

"NOT SO FAST!" hollered Sam. "DIE!!!" The ROFLcopter started up.

"GO!!" Eragon yelled to Saphira. She got up and flew. A few minutes passed, and fog shrouded them.

"I think we lost them," panted Arya. Then she heard it.

Everyone heard it. "SWUH SWUH SWUH XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!" The ROFLcopter was not far behind.

"FASTER!" Eragon screamed.

_"Do you think I can go any faster!?" _Saphira snorted angrily.

"Sorry."

_"Just kidding, I can go faster." _Suddenly Saphira flew excruciatingly fast. The ROFLcopter disappeared.

"Thanks," sighed Eragon. But his relief soon turned to fear. The heli was going fast too, and it shot missiles.

"HOLY!!!!!!" Eragon felt that he might get a heart attack. However, Arya stayed calm. "I'll take care of this," she said. Then she jumped of Saphira.

"ARYA!!" Eragon cried. But it was too late. Arya evaded and, to Eragon's surprise, _ran on top of the fired missiles. _She took out some matches, set the missiles on fire, and watched as the missiles exploded behind her. She her way to the copter, and set the gas line on fire. It exploded.

_"Oh my gosh," _Saphira gasped. But Eragon squinted, and saw Arya's figure spring onto Saphira from the smoke.

"I'm back," she grinned.

"No, seriously. How did you set the matches on fire while the wind was blowing?"

"Eragon. Plot, logic, physics and a low carb diet have been things that this fanfiction has never followed. Kapeesh? Good."

_"Guys, I can't fly forever. We should land." _Saphira grunted in pain, and Eragon replied, "Okay. Do you see land?"

_"There's the coastline over there. There might even be a village." _Saphira landed, and Eragon and Arya got off. "Well, this looks like a job for…" Eragon began.

"No, don't say it," moaned Arya.

"This looks like a job for…"

"NO!! NO!!"

"…a job for…"

"If you say that stupid catchphrase one more time, you'll wake up with your teeth up your nose," Arya warned.

"Okay, fine." Eragon put his hands up. When she turned away, he stammered, "Thislookslikeajobforthesuperduperawesomeblueplastictent!!!"

Arya kicked Eragon in the—never mind. (Hint: There's two of them, and they're really small.)

_"You guys are crazy," _Saphira shook her head.

"Let's just set up camp," Arya muttered.

Eragon stared at her, and for a moment he thought her eyes glowed red.

xxXXxx

The next day, the Randomes set off on their quest. "Do you have a GPS?" Eragon asked Arya. He was a bit weak from the incident last night, but okay.

"No."

"Then how are we gonna get to Teirm?"

_"We'll just fly," _Saphira said.

"Can we just end the chapter and assume something happens during the transition?"

**"Okay, but it has to end with a joke or else epic fail."**

"Knock knock," Eragon said.

"Who's there?" Arya kept her eyes on the ground.

"Boo,"

"Boo who. I know you're not gonna eat me. Don't say it."

Five minutes passed. Then Eragon screamed, "OH MY GOD SHE CAN READ MINDS!!!!!!"

* * *

So here's the new story. I know it's starting off shabby (actually, expect the whole thing to be shabby). But it's better than the junk I started out with last time. So, yeah.

This story is gonna three part side plot, and one and a half part regular crazy plot. That's four and a half being the entire story. Yeah, not a nice even number. But whatever.

So thanks for reading. The reason it took two weeks isn't because I'm lazy (actually it is) but because I went to outdoor school (aka camp aka Walden West aka the awesomest place on earth). Luckily I got one of the cabins with bathrooms inside. :)

--salemmichi


	2. Roran's Tale

The Second Side of Eldest

Chapter Two: Roran's Tale (or, My Cousin the Busnapper)

Yes, in this chapter we will take a break from the Randomes, and look beyond. Since this is a very* neglected character in this fanfiction, this chapter will also focus on his life story.

Sorry I had to force this once you. This stupid computer keeps on freezing. I think it hates the GPS in the car. (I think this is also EA's fault. They made Will Wright redo Spore to the point that the technology was severely outdated. I mean, 3 gigabytes for a game that takes two minutes to load!!! O_o)

* times 100

* * *

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Roran.

Actually, his name was Carlos, but Garrow was racist to Hispanic people, so his name was changed.

In truth, Garrow never really wanted a son. One night he hired a prostitute. That's how Roran (or Carlos) was born. (You see, people were much too stupid to use protection in those days.)

Since the prostitute (her name was James Hunt, because she was a peep in RCT3 and the player wanted to run people over with a buggy) was an idiotic slut, she gave Carlos to Garrow and was found dead the next week. It was said to be a murder, although the true reason was that she had watched AFV and committed suicide because she thought a video that involved two raccoons making out would win, which it obviously didn't. (The winner was some stupid video with a kid trying to eat a leaf.)

So for the next twenty or so years, Garrow took care of his son.

He didn't really hate Carlos. He just was upset that he had to take care of him and become bald and fat.

At the age of four, Carlos was a bright, cute kid. He had blonde hair and blue eyes (such a cliché.) But trouble started on his first day of preschool.

He was nervous. Being at a new school is hard to cope with. Of course eating too much cake the previous night and having diarrhea didn't really help either.

One boy went up to Carlos just before snack time. "so i herd u liek mudkipz?" the boy asked. Carlos stared and replied, "You have got to stop using internet memes to try and get friends." (Preschoolers are significantly smarter than other people. If one had memorized the dictionary somehow, they would probably grow up to be an English teacher.)

"Well, anyways, let's run away!" he said.

"No."

"Fine. Then you'll never know where to find the Holy Grail."

Carlos looked puzzled. "The Holy Grail?"

"It's not important," the boy muttered as he looked at the ground.

"Okay, bye." Carlos went to play with a toy truck.

"Dang it. They always have religious ignorance. Stupid atheists." But little did the two boys know, their encounters with each other had only just begun…

Skipping ahead to a few more years, Carlos's name was now changed to its present form and he was ten. Or was it eleven? O_o

That's when the Nazi's came. They were A FIRIN THAH LAZER!1!!!1!! Eventually they drove Roran and Garrow out of Canada (everyone knows Nazis are from Canada) and into Alagaesia. Or, the place where all the bad plot comes in place.

What about Eragon? Well, they found him on the road outside of Wal-Mart. For strange reasons (actually my laziness to add more plot), he was still part of the family.

And in Alagaesia, Roran met that kid he'd seen at preschool so many years ago. Unfortunately, it was because he had gender change and became Hilary Clinton's daughter, Beyonce. The sight destroyed Roran's brain in a few days.

At the age of 21, he met Katrina. She was the Empress of Gangsters, and he tried to impress her. Sadly, epic fail.

But she gave him one chance. One chance to prove himself (and that he had a life), one chance to win love.

He had to vandalize Wikipedia so that it said that George Bush had extreme hangovers from drinking Coca-Cola.

Roran happily agreed, but there weren't any computers in Carvahall, so he went to New York to buy one. He left the village for the first, and last, time.

And with this beginning in mind, we shall now focus on his various whereabouts.

"Wake up, Billy."

"WAAKE UP, BIILY!!!!"

"BILLY!! GET THE &^%#$ UP!!"

Roran moaned and woke. He rubbed his eyes. "Where am I?"

A girl wearing a blue T-shirt and Scottish kilt instead of a skirt said, "Ur in the land of the qazxswedcvfrtgbnhyujmkiolp!!"

Another girl, dressed in the exact same clothes, said, "SHUT! I WANNA USE THE KAREOKYE!!!!!!!"

"No. Go use the softball court."

"NOOO!!! F G H J K L : '!!!!!!!!!"

A woman in a garbage bag came over to Roran. "Allow me to explain what's going on. I'm 66666."

"Hi, 66666," Roran managed to say.

66666 smiled. "Now. You are in the island of Google Chrome. The only way to escape is to compete in the tournament of spam. Mr. Burns, if you want to compete, I have a sign up sheet right here-"

"Wait, what? Mr. Burns? Like the guy from the Simpsons? This is ridiculous!"

"Sorry, but your contract says that you have to be called that or be molested by a bunch of homosexual chimpanzees. And by homosexual I mean being sexually attracted to the genus _Homo, _which humans belong to." 66666 stared intently at Roran.

"Okay, fine. But what happens in the tournament?"

"I thought you'd never ask. First, we give you a donut, and you eat it."

Roran frowned. "That's it?"

"No. Then you have to shoot apples of the heads of people named Bob with a BB gun, throw pudding at pro wrestlers, and finally, watch all the videos of the What the Buck Show without passing out."

"Okay, that's weird. But whatever." Roran signed the contract.

"Great!" 66666 picked up her clipboard. "But can you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Go to the room with all the fake teeth and voodoo dolls and get me a bottle of blue monkey blood. That'll be great."

"Sure…" As 66666 left, Roran thought that this place was too random for his tastes. So he decided to escape.

That night, he climbed out of his bed and put a rope out the window. He secured one end to the foot of his bed, and began to climb down.

"That was easy," he said as he got to the bottom.

"Not so fast!" Roran turned around and gasped to 66666 holding a gun.

"66666?!"

"No. It's me, Angelina Jolie, ruler of the Dea Clan!" With these words her garbage bag exploded, revealing spandex clothing.

"No! Not Trekkies!" Roran ran. After a while he said, "Hey, there's a bus. Maybe I can hijack it." He got into the bus and drove it away.

Eventually he made it to a local Apple store. "Just spam the wiki and get out," he thought. He sat down at one of the laptops and went online. But a headline on a Yahoo page caught his eye: Carvahall attacked by terrorists. People in danger. Worried, Roran clicked on the link.

It read, "A few days ago the village of Carvahall was attacked by terrorists who call themselves the Ra'zac. Witnesses reported seeing them searching for something and asking "Where is Eragon Shadesaver?" It is known that Shadesaver was once a resident of Carvahall, but left as his uncle was killed by government soldiers." Roran felt rage. His father was dead? It was looking for Eragon that led the Ra'zac to do so? If Roran ever saw Eragon again, he would kill him.

Roran felt so angry that he forgot about his mission and drove straight to Carvahall.

Meanwhile, Katrina was watching General Hospital or something like that (I can never tell soaps apart, they all have bad lighting and people yelling at each other). The doorbell rang. "Who is it?" she asked.

"Uh…it's Joe, the Pizza delivery guy," came a voice.

"We don't have pizza here. Go away."

"Fine." Five minutes later, the voice came again. "Open up. It's Joe the Taco delivery guy."

Katrina got up. "Now that's more like it." She opened the door, and screamed at the site of the Ra'zac. "Come here, you stupid girl. You'll do good as bait," one of the Ra'zac cackled.

Katrina was no fool, however, she kicked him in the crotch. Luckily the Ra'zac were a bit too animal-like. The first one fell to the ground dead.

The second one grinned widely. "Humans. Too idiotic to realize that we can clone ourselves by licking our middle fingers." He did just that, and grew some extra fingers. Then an arm. Then another. Some legs! His chest seemed to split. An eye poked out of his shoulder, then two, then it grew a mouth, and became a head. Two bodies were fused together, and came apart with a sickening crack. All this time Katrina felt her stomach. "I think I'm gonna be sick," she gagged as she slammed shut the door.

"What?! You don't appreciate good science?!" the two Ra'zac yelled.

"I don't have cable. The only thing I really watch that I like is Mythbusters on Discovery Channel, so of course I do."

"Grr…"

"Just go away," Katrina slumped back on her couch. The Ra'zac left. Finally Roran arrived. He knocked on her door despite her doorbell. "Katrina! I came back because I heard that—"

"Roran? You're back?" Katrina stuck her head out the door.

"Yeah, I just came to see—" Roran paused, "to see if you were okay."

"I'm okay. But you didn't—"

"I'm going," Roran sighed. "Oh, and what happened to the part where the evil guys kidnap you?"

"You're right," the Ra'zac said. They picked Katrina up and drove off with Roran's bus.

"Aw, shoot," Roran cursed as he watched the vehicle go off into the distance. "At least I have a bicycle a bought from that guy with the blue skin…no wait it has a flat tire. Oh well!"

"All is not lost," some random old guy called. Roran spun around. "It is written here that only Eragon can defeat the Ra'zac. You and your cousin must work together and forget your anger, or the one you love will be in deep peril."

"But I can't find, reach or forgive Eragon. Besides, isn't that 'it is written here' part from the Legend of Zelda cartoon?"

"I've been trying to imitate that flying carpet guy for years. It's my lifelong dream. I can't say 'Squadala!' or 'The birds are singing!' very well, so this is all I can manage."

"Oh. But what about transportation and directions?"

The man smiled. "A boat will arrive in the morning, and you'll receive the latest news about Eragon's whereabouts from this fangirl software. Use all you have wisely! Now go rent a hotel for the night or something. I need to beat Pokemon Platinum."

Roran smiled, and walked towards the lights of an inn. He wondered what would come in the morning.

* * *

I know.

I know you might be pissed off that I made a whole chapter for this one cause, but Christopher Paolini made eleven or something like that. Maybe even more.

I'll be putting short exerts of Roran's quest in later chapters, but nothing really big. It's okay, stop crying. Hey, here's some beef jerky. That's better.

Oh, and I noticed that I haven't started out with the same explosion of fans like I did last time (and my first chapter of TTFOE wasn't even funny). Maybe fate gave me a head start there. Only 28 hits now. I seriously thought this fic would have more hits to start. Are any some my old fans still there? (I know at least ONE old fan reading this, but ONLY one.) It think it's my story names. I guess I should have named it The True Face of Eldest. See the poll on my profile!


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